The third and probably the most destructive of the five steps in the grieving process is Bargaining. It is the most destructive because of what you are capable of doing or what you’re willing to give up during This stage, just to make everything “Okay” again or to even “see” them again. While you can get really aggressive with anger, and anti-social while in denial, Bargaining a word that literally means to negotiate the terms and conditions of a transaction, we aren’t talking about money.The question is what were bargaining for.
The author of Livestrong, Alexis Aiger. Talks about her own personal experience with grief such as how she ended up separating herself from people close to her and how she searched into the occult trying to find a way to get in touch with a personal friend she explains what bargaining really is and gets more in depth as to how this stage can be very dangerous. While bargaining is characterized as the negotiation between you and a higher power like a God, making promises in hopes that they’ll listen and you’ll be able to regain your perfect world, Be it real or not. It can help with the healing process of acceptance, of not being given an answer to why things happened. However, this is also destructive because it can lead you exactly towards the other path, towards an evil essence. While bargaining can help you with the healing and acceptance, it can also mislead you into self-guilt. This said, Self-guilt can actually slower the healing process and can lead to depression and even a more complicated question. What could I have done better?
In my personal experience with bargaining, I decided that I wanted to see the kid, I considered my brother so I began to slowly drift into the occult, to dabble in things I wasn’t supposed to until I started to question my existence. Although I knew that It wasn’t my fault that he was gone, It felt like it was somehow my fault at that point. this eventually got so bad that I even considered suicide. I know it’s hard to face our problems head on but convincing ourselves that we might see them again or that things might be the same again isn’t healthy.
The reason we get angry, we rage is the question with one word “why?” Its because we don’t get the answers we want. The reason we get fall into the dark abyss called anger is simply because we don’t get an answer to why things happened the way it did. We can get angry at many people for instance the very person that has left us, or the doctor that attended him, even the religious figure you might worship. And we ask ourselves questions like, why couldn’t he look after himself?, Why didn’t the doctors do anything?, Why did God, take this person away?” But we don’t get any answers.
When the other person is gone we can’t help to question why things happened. This feeling of not knowing or having any reason of drives us mad, gets us really angry because we know subconsciously that it doesn’t matter what we do we still won’t get the answer we’re looking for. the best solution is to focus on the good part, maybe the person you lost was sick… Now they wont have to suffer as much. by calming down which is said a lot more easier than done. the fact is that anger is inside of everyone and it looks for an excuse to pop up, Not that grieving for a loved one isn’t an excuse it just isn’t one to get angry. An example from EMB, Empowering moments blog. She writes about how we all feel anger at one point during grief and her personal experience, from driving people close to her away to loosing herself within the confinements of her once called home. She goes through the steps she took to finally step into the light.
In my personal experience Anger has never been a problem, because I know how to accept the reality of whats happening, However not every One knows how to accept their reality. I in my short years on this earth have lost a couple of my closest friends and family, and I’ve seen others torn apart by anger. Now we have to keep in mind, we can never get rid of anger it like happiness, joy, and many other emotions are an important part that makes us whom we are. But if we can’t control our anger then we fall to rage a deeper darker pit.
Their are five stages of grief, But today the only one I’m going to be focusing on denial. The first step in the five stages of grief can be the first of many drops in the pail of grief.We are in denial because we miss the person who is now gone. The fact that we are in denial isn’t just harmful towards the future you, but the people who are close to you.
Why are we even in denial? Well I’ll tell you, We’re in denial because we miss the person who passed away that we don’t want to forget them, so we continue our lives as if nothing happened. Yvonne I. Wilson, the Blogger to EMP Shared her personal story through the loss of her mother and later on her sister. She explains what Grief is and whether or not we go through said “Stages of Grief”. Just as Denial took along time for me to get over, it really depends on the person and their emotional stability. Being the first death I had to experience at an early age of seven, denial took a long time for me to get over This led to a mild dissociation – like effect, Which in turn pushed some of my closest friends and even family away. By pushing those close to you away your putting up a barrier, The only problem with this barrier is that sooner or later you will find yourself…Alone.
I think denial isn’t given the proper attention it deserves, mainly because its probably looked upon as “Oh everything is okay they aren’t really affected” so one can assume if you’re not showing any emotion and you’re not sulking around that your okay or that you’ve accepted this death. Denial is the first drop in the pail labeled grief because it is during this stage where you either start to distance yourself from the people that are close to you, Or you start to feel some sort of guilt for neglecting their death and this can lead to the second step. Denial, You can consider a credit card where you pay the cost now, But you get the bill later.
The easiest way to experience loss isn’t always the fastest. How do I define easy?, Well when I talk about the easiest way I’m essentially saying what is the fastest way we can go through, get over, and accept the death of a person you cared about. A loved one is hard to forget be it a mother, a father, a dear friend, or even your soul mate. Now when we lose that person we are often left with an emptiness, a yearning for that person, to interact with them once more. At this point in time we are experiencing a loss. but what is fast?, Everyone has a limit, a point where we finally accept that this person is gone, how quickly this happens can be entirely up-to us. But how we come to this point of acceptance is different for everyone, whether we choose to surround ourselves with, or enclose ourselves from friends and family can make our emotional suffering last longer that what we would have liked.
Most of the things we tell others when dealing with grief or experiencing grief are are what Help-Guide considers a Myth, An example of what we might say to others is to “Be strong” In the face of loss. However this isn’t always the case everyone works in a different way, Unfortunately this is also one of the factor’s that determine the length we grief. But lets get to the main reason we grief the emotional connection with the person you lost. An interesting quote from EMB an empowering blogger who shares her personal experience with grief is “The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief and the pain will be”. However not everyone feels the same thing when facing a loss, Having said this people who don’t really tend to show any emotion “visually” still feel this loss.
Now for what I think on this matter is everyone feels grief even if its not for a person, It could be for a long time companion like a pet. I also think that everyone has a right to grief and not to grief, Whether you choose to show these emotions is entirely up-to you. their isn’t a time period for grief, their isn’t a specific way to grieve, And choosing to accept a persons death doesn’t mean your forgetting them. I personally think that we all need to experience this feeling because it is this feeling that lets us grow.
It doesn’t matter who you are. We all have something deeper in common this emotional connection towards someone you may hold dear whether this bond is shared with either friends or family is entirely up to you. however the loss of a this person, or a group of people you hold dear can be emotionally catastrophic whether it is expressed in the form of self-harm or the shutting one’s self off from the rest of the world, these explosive feelings can sometimes bee too much. In fact these feelings can be so overwhelming that it starts to affect even those around you, this is where I come in.
I don’t claim to be a professional when it comes to dealing with something that can be so emotionally devastating, this emotional suffering sometimes called Grief. As much as I hate to admit there isn’t a fast way to overcome this feeling, however i do hope that my personal experience with grief helps you the reader, or encourages you to help others who might be going through this. everyone experiences the loss of a loved one differently just because you don’t see someone cry at a funeral or even show up doesn’t mean they don’t care, they probably just have a different way of showing it.